Monday, July 2, 2012

Pride Vs Confidence

I want to get deep and real for a minute or two, pfft, we all know me it will be more like a few minutes.    I didn’t sleep well last night, at all. But as I was laying in bed, very early this morning, I realized something.  I get involved in something that is very good and I know that it can help me become successful and I drop it like a hard hat after a hard days work.  I wish it away, push and fight it.  Honestly, I felt it this morning. I want to push off CrossFit.  I even told my husband I don’t want to do it.  He was at work but gave me the NO, you are doing too good you aren’t stopping.  I cried on the way home -- again.

NOW, before you freak out and say Jen…what!?  Let me explain…..

I have tried so many things to lose weight every time I get success, I sabotage myself.  I lose 30 lbs I go get a huge sundae and start eating out.   It took me some time this morning to figure out how to put this all together so that you know how I feel.  You all know I dance around a lot of things – success being one of them.  Let’s face it that is why I am here! 

It boils down to how I was raised.  I was taught that pride is bad, evil if you will.  Is losing weight and getting healthy evil you ask?  NO, I do not think so.  But I open my huge mouth about how successful I am and my emotions leak into this tank of green junk that makes me feel like utter dung, then I feel like junk.  I feel as though I cheated in the game of life.  WHY!?  WHAT JEN!?   I know.  *shaking my head*   I don’t get it.  But after thinking about it; the only thing that I came up with is that a minister had me write up a paper on pride, when I was an older teenager.  He said that I was full of pride.  I have to realize that my dad raised me to be confident.  Confidence and pride are two separate characters.  I am not prideful.  I do exhume confidence when I feel it and do something amazing.  I feel that is okay.  I actually had to look up the words and it made me cry.  I am not prideful, whatsoever.  

People please….. I caught this emotion.  I caught the sabotage BEFORE it happened this time.  THAT is huge.  I mean HUGE!  I was talking to Cory, after working out this morning, and it came to me.  I am at that point again.  I am not sleeping, I am fighting going in and working out.  *shaking my head*  But I have to remember WHY I am doing this.  First, for me, I do not want to take insulin and be a mess health wise and/or cause a huge strain on the family.  Second, my babies, my babies don’t deserve to go through life fighting for something that I was taught; we got the bad gene in the family, being called pumpkin butt, etc. etc. etc.  They don’t deserve to fight hard to lose weight; they should have the opportunity to live life and maintain their health.  They don't deserve to have a mother who passes away at the age of 60 – my dad died almost 3 years ago. 8/17 (that is whole different post -- if I even decide to talk about it, he died and I never got to go to his funeral or say good-bye. *tear*)  Anyways!!!  Does that make sense?

I self-sabotage because I fear success; fellow CrossFitters of 616 and others, you know dang gone well, that I can be successful here.  Just pay attention.  Like today, yes I was tired, but I am fighting a fat girl right now.  She hurts, her body hurts, I mean standing hurts, walking, sitting, squatting, folding clothes, sweeping, you name it, it just hurts.  Is it a bad hurt no.  I haven’t hurt until doing CrossFit.  Honestly, sure I had some little workout pains but this is a new world here.  People are telling me to stop doing it, but if you see me.  You would see that I am melting, developing into some shape now.  I am sitting here in a 1x top that I haven’t ever worn!!! My capri’s are getting too big and I am loving this.  I hurt…sure and when I stand I let out this, ugh oye, pfft sound out.  But I move and it’s all good. My muscles are absolutely LOVING this!

But why?  Why self-sabotage such a good thing?  I was told as a teen that I was cursed in having to be this way.  Do you know what?  Cory, I love that we had this talk.  I do, because I realized something.  We are cursed by what our parents thought.  These are THEIR thoughts!!!  NOW, I am telling you right now.  I do NOT want my parents thoughts, I am NOT my parents and I REFUSE to sabotage this.   I refuse to let my health be neglected by their ideas of what big is. I refuse to let their greed and laziness take something away from my babies.  --- DO YOU SEE IT now!?

Big is strong, healthy, and muscular that allows you to push through barriers like never before.  Big can be anything if you think about it.  We are big and strong.  Think of a toddler.  They look up to us, we are strong, big and they rely on adults to feed, water, change, and love them.  Why….why can’t we remain a toddler in thought!?  WHY!?  We are to learn by falling down and getting back up again.  Watch a toddler, they fall and get RIGHT back up and keep going, they don’t stop.  They are like little energizer bunnies running all over the place.   Why do I stop when I fail or succeed at something?  My parents did NOT ever tell me to just sit there and whine about it.  They said GET UP, JENNY, keep going.   All the time I heard that.   This is life.  Move on.  I am the confident woman that they hoped I would grow up to be.  I am strong, I am NOT destined to be some hot, fatty, sweating just by sitting in the sun. There…does that make any sense to anyone?!!!  We can’t blame anyone, we have our own thought process, we have to keep going.  We can’t use any excuses.  When you set your mind to something do it and do NOT look back. :)  yep…..those eyes are planted in the front of your head for a reason!!!

Do I want to quit Crossfit?  Pfft…no.  Will I?  Nope, I like it too much.  Do I fight this fat girl who is still trying to control this dog and pony show?  YES, will she lose?  *looking you in the eyes*  Yes, she will and is -- daily.  She is NOT happy, but me....I am.   I lose her whenever I sweat on that floor at 616.  I won’t accept this…this is NOT acceptable, PERIOD. She is not the thin, strong Jen, within. 

There…..I think I just broke down another barrier.  Whew…I have a LOT of barriers peeps…knocking them down is way more fun than building them up, let me tell you!!!

So today, we did….

Workout for Monday, July 2
Run 400
3 Rounds
10 Goblet Squats
10 Pass Throughs
10 Pushup
10 Wrist Circles each arm

Overhead Squats

3 Rounds
20 KB Swings (1.5/1)
20 Overhead Lunge (45/25)

Okay, Overhead squats, going back to that mind thing again.  I am telling you I hear those words and my brain goes WHAT!?  oh my gosh! 73 lbs was my max, but I have this stupid fight I have going on inside my head and I seriously.....need a smack upside my head sometimes -- please don't cause I will punch ya back. *snickering -- I will punch you back, not smack...punch.*

KB swings today 35 lb kb...and my shoulder is urked!  But I did it.  Brian, said that I would I have been mad if I didn't try it?  NO, cause I never did the 30 lbs one! LOL  kidding, probably. more thing.  Knee push ups...I don't think I will ever be allowed to do them again.  Brian watched me knock em out and well....I did 5 push ups on my toes.  PPPPppprrrooooggggreeeesssss!!!!

So, I don't think I will be working on my pull ups til my shoulder is better.  It will be okay.  No worries.  I got this.

Just go do something for your body to become good and strong!  GO! 

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